A Controversial Experience with Fasting

The sons of Mosiah were men of sound understanding. “They had searched the scriptures diligently, that they might know the word of God. But this is not all; they had given themselves to much prayer, and fasting.” As a result, they had the spirit of prophecy and the spirit of revelation (Alma 17:2-3).

When I first began fasting in earnest, along with praying and studying the scriptures, I had a similar hope of being able to receive clearer answers from God. What ended up happening, was not at all what I expected. When I fast from food, three undesirable feelings take center stage in my consciousness:

1. hunger
2. anger
3. fatigue

When my stomach is empty, the hunger pangs and thoughts of eating delicious foods dominate my mind. The longer I go without eating, the angrier I get and the less energy I have to do anything that takes any physical or mental effort. In fact, when I’m feeling hungry, grumpy, and tired the very last thing I want to do is study the scriptures and pray. Even so, my first few attempts at fasting with real intent did produce some good results, but I couldn’t help but think there was more to it because I didn’t have the desire to fast more often.

About a year later of intermittent trying, I stumbled onto perhaps the next level of fasting for me when I had an experience that felt like my spirit had disconnected from my body. What I learned from that experience is that how we are feeling tends to show up in our thoughts. Simply put, if you feel hungry, you’ll think about food. If you’re tired, you’ll think about sleep. If you’re angry, you start thinking about how much other people annoy you. Whenever your physical body perceives that it lacks something for survival, it triggers a chemical reaction in your brain to induce you to act. That feeling makes you think about the problem and it doesn’t go away until you solve it. So, how on earth does triggering a bunch of distracting bodily functions by fasting help get you any closer to God?

On July 31 of this year, I had been fasting and decided to go on a hike. I thought being in nature might help me feel closer to God. I found myself alone in a serene spot and I began to pray, but my prayer wasn’t going anywhere. My mind was filled with racing thoughts about food, the hard rock I was sitting on, how hot it was outside, etc. Finally, I cried out to God in agony over my wretched inability to focus on anything spiritual for longer than two seconds. And that’s when it happened. Suddenly, my physical cares all disappeared and all that was left was my spiritual self. 

In that state, the words of my prayer came easily.  Praising God and giving Him thanks felt natural. I was humble and full of love. My connection with Heaven was the strongest it had ever been. Anything He asked of me I gladly agreed to follow with zero questioning or doubt. The best way to describe myself in that moment was “childlike.” If you could stay in that state permanently, this life would no longer be a test. Temptations would have zero power. My own will had completely melted away and His will was all I cared about.

Some people might say what I’m describing is what it’s like when you feel the spirit. I don’t fully disagree, but I’ve felt the spirit many times before and this was different. It wasn’t just feeling the spirit, I was my spirit. I was no longer experiencing the world through my physical body; I was seeing it only through my spirit. The weird thing is how shocked I was to find out who I was as a spirit. I didn’t think I had it in me to be so righteous. I’ve gotten used to thinking of myself as about a trillion miles away from being worthy to stand in the Lord’s presence. But my spirit was actually a good person and filled with light and the love of God. 

Unfortunately, whatever had happened to me didn’t last long. By that night, I was already trying to figure out how to get back into that state and for some reason I had the confidence that I would be able to get there again easily. The next morning, I tried again, and I had a really good and important experience, but nothing to the extent of the day before. I think that was because I had ended my fast. 

I don’t even know if I’m describing this experience correctly. I’m writing this through the lens of my physical body and it’s much more difficult to come up with the words. Maybe I was just feeling the spirit after all. I could have even been hallucinating from low blood sugar. I’m hoping that someone who reads this has experienced something similar and we can share notes. If not, I’ll just keep moving forward and I’m sure one day the pieces will all come together with more experiences. 

Although I still don’t know exactly what happened to me, what remains from that experience is the ability to recognize those feelings coming from my physical body versus those coming from my spirit. As soon as I recognize a thought now, I work to isolate the feeling that triggered it. Then I can decide if I want to act on it or not. This works so much better for me when I’m fasting. In my normal physical state, my thoughts and feelings seem to meld into the background jumble of all my other sub-conscious processes. But when I’m fasting, the ability to identify the cause of my thoughts gets so much crisper.  

These days, I don’t just fast to gain control over my physical triggers. Mostly, I do it to help me find that humble state. Once I’m deep into a fast, I begin searching for the feeling of humility. That’s the only feeling I know for sure is not coming from the natural man. There may be others but that’s the one I look for. Without fasting, it’s barely noticeable. But while fasting, it seems easier to locate even though it’s still only a faint spark. But once I find that humility, I ask the Lord to fan it with His light.

As I focus on the feeling, it grows which I can tell because it begins to produce very distinctive thoughts and I can literally feel something expanding within me.  It becomes easy to pray again. The words of praise to Heavenly Father flow naturally. The spirit prompts me with questions to ask. Receiving revelation and acting on it is so much easier.  

Does any of this make sense? Am I crazy? I’m certainly open to being convinced this is all a trick of my mind. In the meantime, I’ve planted this seed and I’m going to keep experimenting on it to see what grows. Recently, I came across a scripture that may help explain what I’m experiencing:

I hope what I’m doing is choosing to follow the will of His Holy Spirit versus indulging myself in the will of the flesh. When I find that humble feeling and act on it, my goal becomes solely to follow the will of the Lord. But the second I give in to the will of my flesh again, I give the devil power to captivate me. This I understand all too well.

There is a huge risk to doing what I’m suggesting. Even if you could locate that humble feeling within yourself and let it guide your thoughts and actions always, why would you want to? It makes you weak and turns you into a pushover. It allows people to take advantage of you, and it blinds you to other people’s ill intentions. How can you possibly survive in this telestial world in a perpetually humbled state? 

Perhaps this is what the Lord meant when He said you must lose your life for His sake in order to find it. Or maybe this is what Lehi meant when he talked about the Lord laying down his life according to the flesh and taking it up again by the power of the spirit (2 Nephi 2:8). When I read these scriptures now, they mean something very different. I think I know what this is. I believe this may have something to do with offering up a broken heart and contrite spirit which Lehi also mentions in verse 7 of the same chapter.

Does this scripture mean that completely surrendering our physical desires to our spirit is the only way the Lord’s atonement can cleanse us from the consequences of our sins? I don’t know the answer to that question. If it’s true, I have a long way to go. Even so, I can feel the spirit impressing on my mind to continue down this path. 

Let me tell you how this works for me. I can’t do this by will power alone, but I can begin fasting with willpower. I can isolate my hunger, anger, and fatigue all by will power, and put those thoughts and feelings out of my mind. But I’ve found those sacrifices made through will power alone quickly turn to purposeless misery without a broken heart and contrite spirit. So, I seek for that humble state. I cry out unto the Lord to help me find it. I recognize it in myself as the desire to praise God. Once I find it, I try to let it guide my thoughts, feelings, and actions. When I can concentrate on it long enough to take over, everything changes. Overcoming all obstacles feels effortless. Fasting becomes easy and such a joy. 

I’ve quoted several scriptures in this post and invoked the name of the Lord in sharing my experience. I realize by doing so, I may be unfairly trying to validate what I’ve said. I want this to be true, but I admit, I may have been deceived. I’m open to talking it through with anyone who is willing to and I will take whatever you share to the Lord. I just want to know the truth.   

In the meantime, I find great meaning in the following scriptures from Alma 7:21-23. Alma’s description in verse 23 sounds spot on:

Thank you for reading. I look forward to your thoughts.

Justin